


Dr. Roman Gets Trolled

by Bingubiusrex, BraveInvisibleWorld



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack, Gen, Other, emojis may or may not look weird
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-28 01:40:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18201761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bingubiusrex/pseuds/Bingubiusrex, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BraveInvisibleWorld/pseuds/BraveInvisibleWorld
Summary: Dr. Roman discovers YouTube.





	Dr. Roman Gets Trolled

It was a normal day browsing the internet for some anime shit like always for Dr. Roman, official doctor/new head director/loser of Chaldea. Up until recently, YouTube was completely dead save for the music videos because HUMANITY IS LITERALLY INCINERATED DO YOUR JOB YOU DUMBASS— anyways on that day, after watching the videos of the guy making knives out of stuff for the millionth time Roman’s eyes spotted what looked like…..an IDOL? In 2018? Upon closer inspection, the title of the video was called “「Fïngerfëckïng」 ft. Magi⭐ Mari.” As Roman played the video, he discovered that to his horror the video featured a very low quality dancing miniature of the first Hassan that was hanging off of a string and the idol Mari herself, who were singing these lyrics:

 

_ FINGERS IN HIS ASS, 😳✋🏽 FINGERS IN HIS ASS, 🤚🏽😱  _

_ SOLOMON, 👼🏾🙏🏾 HE LIKES FINGERS IN HIS ASS 🍑👈🏽 ,  _

_ FINGERS IN HIS ASS ✌🏽, FINGERS IN HIS ASS 🤞🏽, SOLOMON,  _

_ 🎼👨🏾🎨 HE LIKES BIG FINGERS 🖕🏽IN HIS ASS 👄💦 (it's true)  _

_ ✅ SOLOMON, 🌈🐻 HE LIKES BIG FINGERS🖕🏽IN HIS ASS, SOLOMON,  _

_ 👨🏾🎓✨ HE LIKES BIG FINGERS 🖕🏽IN HIS ASS,  _

_ FINGERS IN HIS ASS,  _

_ HE LIKES IT IN HIS ASS 😫💦 _

 

Romani Archaman was in shock. How did Magi ⭐Mari learn his deepest secret? He only stuck fingers in his ass once back in the good ol days with Sheba at FurryCon 965 BC. Okay, maybe another time with Da Vinci, but that was it. Roman was panicking and tried to think desperately what to do.  _ Oh god, if the word gets out that I- I mean Solomon likes fingers in his ass then my- fuck I mean Solomon’s reputation will be ruined! Gudako will probably say wig, and Mash will scold me, and I’ll die!  _ Then Roman realized that would be impossible because he has the only device that could connect to the internet and breathed a sigh of relief. And then Gudako walked in.

 

“Hey, Dr. Roman! Caster Gil is letting me use his iPad! It can run Doom and also use the internet!” God fucking damn it. __

 

“Gudako. No matter what you do, do NOT use Casgil’s iPad. It uhhhhhhhhhh it has the Babylonian ligma if you catch it you uhh... die.”

 

“Well, your computer already caught sucondese.”

  
  


“Sucondese?”

 

“Suck on DEEZ NUTZ GOT EM!”

 

Roman started coughing blood. The roast was too fucking epic and it ruptured an organ or two. 

 

“Holy shit, holy fuck, Gudako get a doctor please fucking PLEASE!” Roman begged.

 

Nightingale walked in. “Did someone say ‘amputation?’” She revved up her chainsaw.

 

“Not you uhhh…...a different doctor….uhh….you gotta Rayshift to find them this instant please go and leave any electronics behind because they won’t get past the metal detector.”

 

Gudako huffed. “Magic sucks. At this rate I’ll never know what SkyDoesMinecraft is doing.” Heading down, she walked gloomily into the Rayshift chamber and teleported to fuckin idk, Ireland where Pearl the Great Destroyer was.

 

At once, Roman seized the iPad.  _ Now to delete the Youtube app forever. _ He smugly leaned back in his chair and then he was on the ground because the chair was a stool. Dumbass.

 

A notification pinged on his computer. He checked to see that it was a new email! Oh boy! Email! No one ever contacted Roman since they all got incinerated so this was a treat. He checked to see a new email from a user named avalonfucker69@hotmail.com that read,

 

Dear Virgin of Chaldea,

Deleting the app won’t do anything you know. Everyone is gonna know about you and what you do with your and other peoples fingers. But you can stop this today if you take out your credit card and send me the numbers on the front, the expiration date, and those 3 sexy numbers on the back.

 

Signed,

Avalonfucker69 👌

P.S. stop feeding my rat waffles

 

Roman was in shock. Not only was this person trying to rob him, but he was gotted again. Unless he figured out how to get this iPad to be completely non-functional (which will happen in a few years anyway), he was doomed to have his finger habits discovered. 

 

Roman saw no way out of this situation. He pulled out his credit card. He typed a reply to avolonfucker69. He put in the number. He put in the expiration month and year. And just as he was about to type in the third wacky number that was on the back, a loud “STOP!” resonated through the air.

 

It was none other than Mash. Roman totally forgot to send her with Gudako. “Dr. Roman, you don’t have to do this!” she cried.

 

“Mash...you don’t understand...I need to do this....if I don’t...I can’t help take back the future.” He turned his back away from her, his hand hovering over the numpad.

 

“Doctor… you realize that video has over 15 million views already, right?” 

 

“Wait, how do you know that? This computer is the only one with internet? And everyone is dead outside of Chaldea?”

 

“Hans showed me on his nifty tablet. Also, Da Vinci is the one who made the Hassan doll. And… she knew about your… habits.”

 

“I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LET THAT SERVANT PEG ME! NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES SHE DID IT I'M STILL A FUCKING VIRGIN!”

 

“Anyways, Doctor, I’m here because a package arrived for you. It’s a YouTube plaque for being the top video of 2018.”

 

“HOW DID THEY EVEN TRACK THAT VIDEO TO ME? AND EVERYONE IS STILL DEAD!”

 

“Umm...if it makes you feel better it got into YouTube Rewind 2018. Magi⭐Mari is in it too!”

 

Roman fell over and cried in a fetal position. This was the worst year of his life being a human fucking sucked what is he even supposed to do now except lie on the ground and die? Fou came over and playfully licked his face. And then Fou snatched his credit card. 

 

“GET BACK HERE YOU MUTT!” Roman screamed. “THAT HAD MY MAGI⭐MARI FUND ON IT! HOW AM I GOING TO GET HER 69TH CD RELEASE NOW? THIS TIME IT COULD HAVE EVEN HAVE HAD MUSIC ON IT!

 

Once again in this short period of time, Romani Archaman felt like he had lost all hope. His finger fucking secret was out, his credit card got stolen, and to top it all off he was still a virgin. 

 

“Someone, anyone, please tell me what to do!!!” sobbed Roman, who was a broken wreck in of Mash, who was still standing there awkwardly. But from above, a voice rang down to Roman, coming from the only person who could help Roman at a time like this.

 

Ghost.

 

Olga.

  
  


Olga saw Roman and advised, “Damn, bitch? You live like this? I did not burn on a spicy meatball just for you to come apart because Da Vinci stuck her fingers in you. And besides, you’re not a virgin. If you don’t wear socks when you do that it counts as sex! Trust me, I’m dead.”

 

Roman had a sudden revelation. A revelation more magnificent than Jeanne’s own visions shortly before she click clacked some random children. “I really am not a virgin! Thank you, ghost of my master’s daughter that I failed to tell my true identity as Solomon to! Now I can’t wait to be pegged again!”

 

“You’re welcome, Doc— wait you’re Solomon?” And then Olga disappeared because Gudako came back and went, “Oh shit there’s a ghost,” and sucked her up in a vacuum and turned her into ghost lanterns. From the inside of the lanterns, Olga looked like this:

As Olga’s soul writhed in the lanterns, Mash looked at Roman’s emails. She then deleted the letter from avalonfucker69. Meanwhile, Fou was using Roman’s credit card to buy V-Bucks in Fortnite. 

 

Far away from Chaldea, Merlin was impatient. “Where’s my credit card information? He should be crying tears into writing that email by now!” Realizing his frivolous trick on Romani Archaman had failed, Merlin slumped into his chair. “Well I’m still horny I’m going to go outside and go to McAvalons.” Immediately as he stepped outside Merlin got hit by a car and died the end. 

* * *

 

  
Jesus fuck where is this bald agravain even from

_ its from this  _

this is so funny we should just keep this bit in 

_itll be like a trademark to know that this is the original cuz it has teh bald agravain_


End file.
